I have written a few pieces this year as my Mam’s 10^th anniversary will fall next Thursday.  It will make it 10 years exactly since Mam suffered a brain haemorrhage and then died 4 days later in University Hospital Kerry.

For those who have lost a parent or parents, this will be familiar and for those who have not lost anyone of importance, don’t take those relationships for granted. The events of that evening are still fresh but have begun to fade as the years have ticked by.

I have grown as a person in that time and although I was 26 when Mam died and in the opinions of people, “how was I going to cope” well I can tell you I have coped quite well and manged not to crack up although I was close to doing so a few times.

I learned plenty over the past few years, who I could count on and those you couldn’t count on in any circumstance. That group of people is very small and that was another lesson I learned very quickly.

I am also well aware that my Mam wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea because she spoke her mind and that particular asset is not really appreciated in Ireland as we don’t like hearing the truth and not a version of the truth.

I have done my best to improve myself and move on from that period but it still comes to mind on occasion depending on what’s going on in life. The amount of regrets I have since Mam died are small in number and I have also done my utmost to show her that I was able to move out and on with life.

3 years on from my move and I am still here, I did the adult thing and left home. I probably spent the first few months proving myself to those who kept telling me to go out and experience life. Yes the move has been the single best thing I have done or did in my now 36 years on this planet.

My reason for writing this piece is to mark Mam’s death but also it’s another reminder to those who questioned me and my ambitions to keep your opinions to yourselves which has become the norm now thankfully. I now just laugh or bite back at anyone who has something to say….

As I say, my mother wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea but she also did so much for many people in a quiet manner when it came to glasses in particular. Her final act of organ donation proved the type of woman my mother was and is.

In death, she was thinking of other people and her selfless act allowed a number of people to restart their lives thanks to her organ donation. Next Thursday at 12pm I will mark the moment my life changed forever.

Mam missed out on Fionn’s wedding earlier this year but she was remembered in the speeches and her presence was also at the top table unfortunately in picture form and not there in her full form. It is those moments you truly miss the loved ones that are gone.

If I seem distracted or grumpier than usual in the next week, I can only apologise to those who may encounter me. I will be steeling myself for the anniversary next Thursday the 10^th of September…..

A very special priest will retire in the coming days after serving many parishes in Co Kerry. Fr Maurice Brick will end his ministry after serving as PP for Castleisland in recent years. He spent 6 years here in Tarbert from 2000 to 2006.

He introduced a number of things here in Tarbert and certainly had an impact on yours truly. I will say during his time in Tarbert I was at the back of the Church with a number of men and one or two women who are no longer with us namely my Grand Uncle Pat Joe Keane, Jackie Egan, Billy and Elizabeth Buckley along with Michael “Fitzy” Fitzgerald.

Fr Mossie had introduced the 9 O Clock Mass and this is where I would spend the next number of years standing beside my grand uncle and others including my grandfather. To say those days were an education would be underselling it by a long shot.

Fr Mossie has his own unique way of telling a story or getting a message across in whatever way he may feel may be needed. Fr Mossie is actually the first man to ask me to do a reading or play Our Lord in a short dramatization at Easter time, I did both and at that stage it took his persuasive talents to coax me into both jobs.

I thank him because himself and my late grandfather played a key role in me learning how to read out loud and in public.

There are a few who may read this and say why didn’t ye keep quiet and not encourage him !!! That was the thing with Fr Mossie, no matter what you were asked you nearly always said yes because it was him that asked you the question. Well I can say that for myself anyway.

I have a few small stories, I was asked to read at Christmas and it was a extremely long one but I managed it and retook my place at back of the church only for Jackie Egan to pop up beside me and whisper “You’d make a fine priest” and then return to his spot.

This particular thing had been in my mind for about 18 months and I thought long and hard about possibly join the Priesthood. I spoke to Fr Mossie after a few months of this being in the back of my mind and he said while it was a very admirable thing to want to do wait until the age of 26 or 27 before making a decision like that.

By the time I hit 26 or 27 I had made my mind up that life in the priesthood just wasn’t for men even though black suits me or so I have been told anyway…..

Fr Mossie left Tarbert in 2006 and left his mark on this parish as well as any other parish or area he has served in over the years.  May you enjoy a peaceful retirement Fr Mossie and thank you for your wisdom when I needed it…

Amazing how or when an idea will strike you for an article, I wrote about the fact Mam is 10 years gone earlier in the year but for some reason I was prompted to write this piece by a moment or a quote from an Killinskully episode I watched in the past few days.

Fionn got married a few weeks ago and that also probably played a part in me penning this 2^nd piece as we heard for Mam’s 10^th anniversary on September 10^th.  God only knows why I am writing but I am and like the other pieces I have written to mark each anniversary I will speak from my own perspective and see what happens.

10 years ago our family of 4 was moving along and then in a split second all was changed, changed utterly. I have certainly learned many life lessons in that time since 6.40pm on September 7^th 2016. I know who I can count on and I now know those who I need to keep clear of and take no heed if anything is said in my direction.

My mother was a tough woman who didn’t mind speaking her mind if it was required and even if it  wasn’t she did it anyway. She had a temper and that specific tone only known to an “Irish Mammy”

We clashed several times over a number of things over the years and as I look back  now, I know I was wrong a share of the time when I clashed with her over moving out for example or driving lessons etc to name 2 topics that were regularly broached but me being me went straight for stubborn and I am not going to listen or engage here in any way shape or form.

10 years on, I am approaching 3 years of independence and the driving matters will be delt with in my own time. What that evening in September 2016 has taught me is that things can change so suddenly and quickly and you may not have the opportunity to say what you might want to say so take that chance over the next while to sit down if you can and say what you want to say.

Mother worked hard in Listowel in Neodata and O Connors and is still fondly remembered by many in Listowel. I can testify to that having spent so much time in Listowel in the past 10 years in particular. I said she was tough and had a temper but under it all she did have a heart of gold and did many things for many people quietly and without fuss.

To anyone who has lost a parent or loved one since 2016, you have my sympathy. I won’t lie, I have gone through many different stages of grief since 2016, I have done self pity, anger, frustration, torment, anguish.

I have had the help of many people over the years, Fr Pat Moore RIP, a number of counsellors, family, a group of women who I won’t embarrass but all of them picked me up a different times and in some instances helped me straighten myself because as people might know I can be quite stubborn, what a surprise I hear people saying….   

I tried to end my life shortly after Mam died in December 2016 but I was stopped and Mikey Joe Coolahan was the man on that evening who helped me see things more clearly. Thank you Mikey Joe for that.

It is almost 10 years since Anne Marie Mc Gibney nee Keane left this world and that moment her life support machine was switched off is a moment I can still see so clearly. She donated her organs as well so a number of people were able to keep their lives going after several successful transplants were completed. That sums my mother up perfectly, constantly giving in life and even in death she was still thinking of others. If I turn into half the man my mother though I might do, I’ll be doing well….

To Mam’s many friends and work colleagues and extended family, Thank you all and I will continue to try and call to see as many of you as I can….. Mam we might be marking 10 years in September since you died but you might be gone but you are not forgotten.

It is that time of the year once again that will see the Pieta House “Darkness Into Light Walk”  This year Moyvane is the local place that will see the walk take place in the early hours of Saturday morning.

As I previously mentioned in other pieces, people question on a yearly basis where all the money raised goes as the governance of Pieta House has come in for stern criticism over the past few years.

The walk itself is a special one to do as it does allow people time to reflect on their lives  and maybe look forward to the future and in some cases a future that certain people like myself for a number of years didn’t deserve or so the voice in my mind kept telling me anyway.

Thank god, those days are behind yours truly and bar the odd moment I can see that future in front of me. I will always only speak of my own situation and how suicide has impacted my life.

Several times over an 18 year period in particular I struggled and contemplated suicide but I thank my lucky stars that a number of people were there for me intentionally or by a stroke of luck to help me see things more clearly.

Those interventions made sure I am still here because had those interventions not come I would not be typing this piece and that I am certain of. I owe a number of people who I have spoken of over a number of years I owe my life to my mother, a first cousin, a family friend’s father and one or two other people. To all of those people that helped keep me off the canvas, thank you for not giving up on this sometimes crabby fella.

I know too that my experiences have helped a few people and that has given me great pride and satisfaction. Amazing how far you may reach unbeknown to yourself via a written piece or a short video.

The walk is a moment to stand with those who may lost family members, friends and others to suicide. It is still a huge issue and those in power are the only ones that can make meaningful change at national level.

Take it from one who is speaking from experience it is not a great spot to be in and you really do feel that suicide is the best course of action but in more recent years I have journaled, written and spoken of my experience. This course of action has helped me look back clearly and see the journey I have been on over the last 12 years including my last attempt back in early 2023.

Wishing all of those who will tomorrow take part in the walk, all the very best and to those who may be struggling today, reach out to those you feel comfortable speaking to and you too will see the light. Trust me, it isn’t an easy step but once taken you will see the benefits of it as the support is there for you.

Lastly to those who reached out a hand to this author, thank you all and to those who I know my words and experiences have helped, I am humbled that my resilience and story helped you see that life is worth living….

Last Monday night, I experienced a fleeting moment that last about an hour. I felt completely lost, worthless and helpless. Thankfully I only ever suffered from this a few times over the years. I spent the hour looking over life choices and kicking myself for the stuff I didn’t do and again questioned my choices.

As I say, this feeling lasted an hour I managed it and was able to move beyond it. It showed me that those moments can strike at any time day or night. I just felt compelled to write this piece.

The world is a very tough place at the moment with news constantly flooding people via social media on the radio and tv you just can’t escape it at times. I don’t know how or why I ended up in that position but I did and managed it which I have done over the years.

I try my best on a daily basis to make people smile and keep thing as light hearted as possible. I don’t know why this is the case maybe it is a default setting but It is easier to smile than cry. I know people will read this and say, laugh and smile really but again those people don’t obviously know the real me.

The moment came and went but left a lasting impression of how delicate the balance is between the sun shining and the preverbal “kick in the hole”. It certainly set me thinking and did make me reflect when the moment passed and I realised as I know now that I am who I want to be no matter what the circumstances are.

I promised myself that I would allow the moment pass and then deal with it quietly and privately. It might be linked to Mam’s anniversary later in the year or something else but whatever the reasons I know I have the tools to deal with the situation if it occurs in the future.

Writing about it is also a great help as I can visualise the whole thing now as I have had the time to look back on it. Amazing how quickly it passed as well. It landed and then as quick it was gone. Having gone through a number of situations over my almost 36 years on the planet I now know how to look after myself and make sure not to get too high or too low.

It is what it is and you just have to make the best of your choices in life. Over the last 3 years in particular I have been in a real position to make choices and live by them.

I have written and done a few videos concerning certain things and everyone has struck a chord with someone along the way. It will be a quick mention, a call or a text from somewhere usually where you would not expect it to come from.

It was a fleeting moment that had me on the ropes but I fought the demons and the voices in my head and found my way through. I am who I want to be and I am where I want to be in life no matter what the small voices in my mind might want to tell you…

Push through those feelings and kick on to the next moment in life. The mind is a funny thing and will take you to places you may not what to go but I rolled with the punches and rode out the short storm that developed in my mind.

Keep on going and don’t let the little voices win the day…. The light is shining brightly for me and I am grateful for every day.

Last Friday night as a bit of fun I put myself in the centre of a story that said I was “Off To Boston” and a poster was done up to advertise my supposed impending departure as there was a hastily organised party next Tuesday St Patrick’s Day to mark my going away to the USA.

It had people believing it was true be that because of Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. I was asked multiple times was it true. It wasn’t but does prove 1 thing, don’t believe all you see or read.  It was done purely to see how far we might be able to take it.

It was a bit of fun because I am the last person who would do such a thing as I was told, hard to believe, I was wondering were some responses this story got.

It just shows how convincing AI can be and when used in that circumstance it is a bit of harmless fun but it shows how convincing it can be when used in this instance and then used in other less humorous ways.

What my little bit of fun proved is that even though it was all done in jest and in good fun just maybe think twice the next time you read something or see something advertised… A trip to USA may not happen this time but may well happen in the future.

For now though St Particks Day is still the only celebration on March 17^th and my departure may well be celebrated in the future but not for another period of time….

Keyboard warriors caused Andy Farrell to get quite frustrated in the aftermath of Saturday’s win over Italy in the Aviva. He turned on them and asked people to “cop on” when it came to the debate about who the Ireland 10 should be, Jack Crowley is 26 and Sam Prendergast is 23. They are two very different players of course in style terms and bring differing strong qualities to the game.

What that statement from Farrell did probably do is open the door for debate on how easy it has become for the majority to have an opinion be it informed or ill-informed and that goes for any debate in relation to anything in life.

Social Media has come along since the early days of the 2000s and changed how we in the general public consume everything from news to deaths and everything in between. No longer do we read, access, form an opinion and make an informed statement on a subject.

Now it’s far quicker and in some cases it’s only a headline or tag line, we take it and then people jump on the subject and have a field day with the subject.

I still use my media training when reading or accessing a story, who, what, why, where and when. It has helped me avoid jumping in at the deep end and making statements that will cause harm somewhere along the line.

Healthy debate is always welcome and scrutiny of decisions of coaches is this instance is always welcome but there is a line and you just cannot cross it, I have made that error and have learned from it thankfully.

Both Sam and Jack will be there for the long term along with others like Harry Byrne and Jack Murphy. Ireland are fortunate to have these 4 boys currently pushing each other to be the best version of themselves, it will only help Irish rugby in the long term to have this level of competition.

Andy Farrell felt it was the best time to make that statement on Saturday evening, some will say it was deflection from a mixed showing and more will say it was well timed and he was defending his players. Andy Farrell is very well qualified to give an opinion having spent his whole life in the spot light have debuted for Wigan Warriors aged 17.

He will also know that he will need to answer some tough questions heading to face England on Saturday evening in Twickenham. Ireland go to London with two mixed outings against France and Italy. Himself and his coaches will have some tough decisions to make when picking the 23 to take on England.

As for the key board warriors, they will continue to be there no matter what and will continue to spread nasty ill-informed opinions into the future. While debate and criticism is healthy, the line is there and no matter how strong your feelings, it just can’t be crossed, take it from one who did it and learned from it……

While Mam’s anniversary won’t fall until next September when we will mark 10 years since she passed away, there will be a significant milestone before then when her “small boy” gets hitched in May and that has prompted me to sit down and pen this particular piece.

This will be one of those moments and day’s when you will feel the missing presence more than other times. Since that moment on September 7^th  2016 and then the decision 3 days later to switch off her life support machine. We have all changed since that day.

Of course her selfless decision to donate her organs has a lasting impact and to know that someone somewhere in the country has an organ belonging to her is still something truly special. I myself have changed beyond all recognition and while some might say I am still that moaning old bollix that I was at 26 and before hasn’t met me and with that hasn’t spoken to me.

Yes, from time to time that version of me does appear but he gets less and less airtime than ever before. I had to do a lot of growing up and straightening myself out to act like a fully grown functioning adult. I had to kick into gear in an awful lot of areas and has been pointed out to me I was “minded” too much “mollycoddled” is the word that actually used.

10 years on, I can only truly speak on my own behalf here and I am where I should have been in the years before Mam died but a mix of stubbornness and laziness probably stalled any hope of that move or attempt at looking at options to move from home.

I know that on a few occasions when the topic was broached I was shut it down or it ended in a row and then was put to bed until the next attempt was made and the same cycle repeated itself again.

It really did take Mam dying for me to kick into gear and I am ashamed of myself that it actually took that to happen for me to act like an adult and look to make a go at creating some sort of life for myself.

Thank god the chance came to my door back in 2023 and since then I have been able to start to create some sort of life for myself and live independent of Mammy and Daddy as I was told on more than one occasion by certain people who strangely enough didn’t offer one word after I made the break in April 2023.

Strange that to be fair, but look I made the move and that is the key part of the whole thing. In the 10 years since Mam died I have changed my outlook, started to look after my health which would also please Mother.

For those of you that have lost a parent, you have my sympathy and it doesn’t matter at what age it happens or how it happens it still has a massive impact on those left behind. I still make stupid statements and do things on impulse but I have been able to think on my feet more than before.

Mother is looking after me at times as well as I can hear her speaking to me as I answer certain questions or while I am doing certain things. I am thankful for that feeling as I can feel her presence when I am doing certain things.

It would help if she was actually here to give actual advice rather than looking for a sign or thinking what might say in this situation or that situation. Other people have been great at offering advice when I have sought it on certain things which I am grateful for.

I gained a number of “Mammies” when she passed away because I am sure people thought I wouldn’t or couldn’t cope. Thankfully I have managed better that I probably thought myself but that comes from experience and just doing things and a trial and error approach.

As I say, we will mark 10 years in September in some way I am sure. Hard to believe or even think it’s 10 years but it is and while much has stayed the same plenty has changed and you’d be proud of the pair of us, the “small boy” is getting married and your eldest is doing what you always hoped and wanted and living life as best he can…..

2026 is almost upon us and it will be “New Year, new you” for lots of people. New year traditions will be to the forefront over the coming days. To anyone about to pick up or start a new regime be that starting from scratch on Thursday, all the very best to you with it.

For more people, they can close the book on 2025 and start a fresh in 2026 depending on how 2025 played out for you and yours of course. Families welcomed new additions, sons in law, daughters in law. Families said goodbye to loved ones as well and for that reason people will be glad to see the end of 2025.

The new year will bring fresh promise and hope for many people, it will mark the countdown to many big family occasions aswell. We as a family fall into that particular bracket as Fionn will get married in late May, I have a small role to play on the day which will be enjoyable of course.

The new year will see every “influencer” out in there droves to tell you and show you how to press the reset button heading into the new year and also how to lose the excess weight of the Christmas and New Year.

I myself will stick to my own plan and won’t be looking for any secret formula to help me stay up on the exercise bike into 2026 after taking to using the exercise bike in mid 2025. A small bit of weight has been lost and that will continue as the new year approaches.

Do whatever works and suits you and drive forward and don’t look back and wonder what might have been, make the plan to make the change if you want to do so.

So as we head for 2026, I’d like to wish all of you both near and far a very Happy New Year and thanks for the continued support of my ramblings and recordings….

14 years ago, Gary Speed passed away. I have been thinking of him over the past 24 hours. When you see all these sports stars that we all think have it all, money, fame etc. But as has been proven many times, they suffer like the rest of us and have the same problems as the ordinary punter.

It was heart breaking to watch the footage from Match Of the Day and see him in studio in the hours before he passed away. It is another reminder of how frail the human mind can be. Someone might look like they have it all but the reality might be very different.

Amazing when you speak of it, how you hear so often “I never he or she felt like that”. I can only go from my own experience to help and explain the feelings.

 As Christmas is around the corner, you can be sure while many people enjoy the time of year ahead. More people dread it with real dread not just something that people might think be in someone’s head.

I will openly tell anyone, I am not a big fan of Christmas and while that is slowly changing, the memories and reasons for not being a major Christmas fan are very much still there.

The amount of times you see the word “lonely” attached to this time of year will always set me thinking. You will of course have those who can’t stand the time of year and more like myself who just want a quiet Christmas with no interference but many will relish the time of year a revel in it.

My reason, for using Gary Speed at the start of this is to highlight again, that even the supposed strongest in society can struggle at any time. I remember the news of his death very clearly and the shock I felt at the time.

I am reminded every time I see news of certain deaths, of my own experience and while I have learned to live with my choices and the consequences of what may have happened if I had gone through with any of my attempts.

I will never take for granted the fact I did not go through with it and will do my best even in a small way to help those who may not feel they can’t talk openly about things that may be affecting them. 

In 2025, I am in the strongest place I have ever been and while I know that is not the case for many people, always remember when and if you are ready, the support will be there for you.

Of course not everyone will want to accept that help and that is their choice. That side needs to be spoken about too. My own experience is that you just don’t want to speak to people openly about any issues or troubles. My attitude was “I’ll sort it myself”.

With Christmas on the horizon, enjoy it and what might be ahead for you and yours. Just be mindful of people in certain circumstances if you can.

I’ll do as I always have and enjoy a quiet peaceful one here in my home, Christmas number 3 out on my own….. Enjoy the time of year ahead and just remember to think before you speak…..

My thoughts are with the Speed family as well as any other family that have been affected at this time of the year in particular….