Having signed up for the Pieta House Darkness into Light Walk that will take place on May 7^th at 4.15am here in Tarbert I have spent much of my time in recent days reflecting on my journey.

I know some of the issues that have surrounded this walk nationally due to questions surrounding funds being given out has caused much discussion and anger but I suppose the walk on Saturday May 7^th is about just supporting those like myself who in the past have contemplated ending our lives but I thank my lucky stars that I am still here and  can say with real conviction I would not be here only for the intervention of my late mother and a first cousin of mine.

I have seen in the years since my attempt to end my life what impact actual suicides have done to families and those close to the person who has chosen to end his or her life.

It certainly is not the answer but in my experience I do think that the person who is contemplating ending their life that they feel this course of action would solve all the apparent issues that may or not be happening. I certainly thought this way myself in 2014 and it’s only now I truly see that thinking this way is so harmful.

I write this piece trying to say to anyone that might suffering that you should go to someone you trust and explain your situation if you can of course. I have gotten better at this, still not 100% at it but getting much better.

I had a moment a few weeks ago when I was down the island and standing on the pier that 8 years ago I had planned to jump off of and for a split second I was back in that moment in March 2014 and then as quick as the thought arrived it left me….

I spoke to a friend about this and we worked out that it was only a moment !! I do my best to be a listening ear for people if they are willing to open up, which I know can be so hard to do…. I have no formal training but I have been that person that was struggling and didn’t know what to do next and managed to find a way to help myself out. I am still learning as the years move on but with age comes experience.

Look what I am saying is that the walk on Saturday May 7^th is an option for people to get out and show support for a cause that has impacted every community across Ireland. It’s a situation that continues to cause families and those suffering in silence real and genuine torment. There is light at the end of the tunnel take it from one who went to the edge on more than one occasion and thankfully I saw the light and also I owe those two family members I mentioned earlier my life….

Look after yourselves and I might see some of you on May 7^th at 4.15am…

 

 

So it is almost 5 years since I was called down stairs to help my father with my Mam. I am sitting in the exact same position, doing exactly the same thing scribbling away about some topic !! Weirdly the only thing that has changed is the laptop..

I had said I wouldn’t write another piece but I had a change of heart. In the last 5 years many things have changed in particular in the last 2 years where Covid 19 entered people’s lives and altered much of the things we took for granted to such an extent we were unable to do many of them for large periods of time but as I write certain dates over the next 6 weeks will see life slowly come back.

I can only imagine how the past while would have impacted on mother but knowing her character she would have managed, I would go as far as to say that we may have even ended up with a new house phone !!

Many times I have heard from people that I sound like you and I am really starting to realise this fact as I can actually hear you as I talk to people about certain things. I can’t believe this is the 5^th piece I have penned since that faithful few days that will come into view from 6.40pm next Tuesday.

I have certainly managed to begin to say No more frequently and also I have found a backbone which you would be pleased about I am sure. The few final pieces of advice you passed onto me are truly beginning to be used and have proven so useful when I have sized up a situation in recent times.

The one thing I have learned over the past few years is to really appreciate each day and given how Mam passed away I can honestly say to people please don’t take the relationships you consider to be important to you for granted and tell the people that matter to you how much they mean to you. I didn’t do it enough when Mam was alive and if I am honest I still don’t do it enough 5 years on but I am getting slightly better at it.

As always to anyone that has lost anyone in the past 12 months you have my sympathy. I can also feel the “real” Cian is back and may be here to stay. To those people who reached out to me in the past 5 years and before then and of course who still do look out for me, I thank you all. I will never be truly able to thank you for the support shown to me when I was on the canvas.

Mind each other and support each other because as the past few years has shown how quickly the stuff we take for granted can be taken away without warning !!!!

Mam’s anniversary Mass is next Saturday at 6pm….

I have been thinking of writing about what depression has done to me over the last 17 years. I write this now as I feel bar the odd day and moment I am finally in a position to sit in front of a computer and write what depression did to me and how it impacted on me.

I spent many years hiding my feelings and trying to work my way through things without looking for support and then when I needed support without asking I got the support that I needed in the form of maternal instinct and a phone call.

It was amazing on that evening I remember clearly being asked was I ok and saying I was “grand” and then within a hour of that I was writing letters to groups of friends and family saying “goodbye” to them only for a phone call to interrupt my train of thought and then my Mam’s plan of action saved me so although she didn’t stop me from leaving the house that evening she knew what to do to make sure no harm came to me that evening, amazing what maternal instinct will do….

Spending so many years not feeling like I wasn’t worthy of a place on earth was extremely tough and having to smile for so long was torture when inside I was screaming with anger and frustration on many occasions was very hard on on people around me.

I didn’t deal with the deaths of my grandparents in 2011 and 2014 very well and that contributed massively to the spot I found myself in 2014. I know I always go back to that night in March 2014 because I have never experienced hopelessness like it before or since…

Then fast forward 2 a half years to 2016 and bang the shit hits the fan in a big way and the woman who helped save me in March 2014, passes away suddenly and I am back in the same head space I was in 2011 and 2014.

But from somewhere I found the strength to carry on a look out for others and put my own personal grief to one side. For 4 days I spent my days speaking to others and helping them assess what happened that evening. Since then I have an inner strength I never knew I could have access to and it has helped me kick on and make some key decisions about my life.

I have a better understanding of grief now and over the past 13 months since life as we knew it has ground to a halt due to Covid 19 and ongoing restrictions. This period has been so tough on so many and we are being told constantly to “hold firm”. There are brighter days ahead !!

I am writing about my own battle as I can only truly speak of my own experience and sincerely hope my few words can show those who currently feel like they have nowhere to turn that there is support out there, either through professionals, family or friends…

Having done the Ohana 20 minute course this has also given me a better understanding of the warning sides that impacted myself and some other aspects that never entered my mind.

What I am getting at by writing this is that if people are finding it tough at the moment, here is one major thing that has helped me, I have found writing feelings down was a big help to get the feelings down on paper and out of my head and mind….

I can say that after 17 years of feeling like I owed it to people to constantly prove myself that the time has come to look after myself and stop trying to constantly prove myself !!

Here goes, I thought very hard as to whether it would be a good idea to do as I have done over the past 3 years and that is to write a piece to mark Mam’s anniversary. On the 10^th of September it will mark 4 years since Mam passed away and on that time much has changed and also some things have stayed the same !!

I am happy in my job and the weight of expectation has lifted. Over the last few months of course life has changed beyond on recognition due to Covid 19 and all that has gone with that be that Lockdowns to pubs closing and restrictions placed on us as to limiting our contact with others.

Many times over the last few months I have wondered how you would face these situations and I have no doubt you’d have come up with unique ways and also colourful ways to get to see people and how you may be helping people out in O Connors….

Questions constantly crop up and I know you would have the answer to most of the obscure questions about family links etc…

Turning 30 earlier this year was unique to say the very least. I managed to avoid another party thanks to restrictions. No doubt like when I turned 21 you would have celebrated for me with a few others. Your “ Golden Child “ did a nice job to mark my 30^th by putting a video together of people that have had an ompact on my life and are great friends…..

Uncle Pat Joe joined you earlier this year and you now have your family with you for the first time and I can only imagine the carry on when you turn 54 on October 17^th.

Those moments in September 2016 still enter my mind from time to time but as the years have moved on I have been in a position to process what happened and slowly but surely I am in a place where the thought of September 10^th doesn’t make me feel sick to the pit of my stomach.

I think mother would also be pleased that I don’t dread that few days like I did back in 2017 !!!

Looking to what the rest of 2020 and beyond could look like, It will defiantly be interesting to say the very least so we will just have to see what happens over the next few weeks and months….

I have been thinking of writing this piece for a few years. Why did I decide to end my life when I reach the age of 30? Don’t ask me to explain why I picked the age of 30 to end my life. This has been an ongoing issue for me. This plan hasn’t been spoken about because I have kept it hidden over the past few years.

I will turn 30 in May of next year, which is a huge achievement is given I was given the last rites in May 1990 shortly after I was born. I have always struggled in silence and even since 2014 I still stay silent on certain topics. I don’t speak about certain stuff and I am wondering over the last few hours why I have this plan still in my mind.

I do feel like I should talk to a professional about this situation and I will take steps to this end in the next few days. I am content at the moment but I still have that voice at the back of my mind telling me to act on my feelings.

I won’t act on them but the issues I face are very real and are not just made up in my head. I am trying extremely hard to move past the events of September 2016 and all that is associated with that.

Talking has helped me hugely in the past few years and also opening up might just be the key to figuring out why this plan has been in my head in the past couple of years. I haven’t told my closest confidents like Orlagh , Marion , Betty etc.

I am looking for advice about this. I am still blocking out my feelings on certain subjects and this might just be affecting me in daily life. I have this mad notion that me ending my life would solve all of my problems and also close that worst few years in the lives of my immediate family. This really isn’t a runner I know but I still have those feelings but I just hope now that I have written it down move past these feelings.

My 30^TH Birthday is this day next week. I was in a very different head space the day I wrote this. The world has been turned upside down over the past few months due to Covid 19. I as I said have thought long and hard about releasing this piece given how over 1,000 families are in mourning for their family members who have lost their lives in the last while. My sympathies to you all.

This is not a pity me piece, it is just a brutally honest account of what it is like to suffer in silence. I always turn to writing at this time. Look I wrote this and was fully aware of what going through with this plan would mean for myself.

Since I penned this I have found some meaning in my life and as I look ahead to my 30^th   I hope that this is my last piece I will put together like this.  Some day’s I will be up for the fight and more day’s that will not happen but those days are becoming very few are far between…

Thank you to everyone that has ever helped me out in anyway, I can’t thank everyone individually as I be hear for all day.  I hope everyone is safe and well and to all our health care workers. Keep up the good work !!

I know I had promised many people if I felt bad I’d be in touch straight away but I haven’t done enough of that But 12 months on I am getting much better at speaking up..

I have defiantly thought long and hard before putting these thoughts down on paper. The world as we know it has changed and when all of this ends one wonders what our “new reality” will be… What our new priorities will be or will we just return to the habits we had pre Corona Virus !!

What the restrictions have done is most likely make people sit back and take note of the World around us, the sounds of birds etc. I am in the category of essential workers and so I have doing a number of small tasks. It has been lovely and unnerving in equal measure to literally be the only one on the street early in the morning.

It certainly makes me think as I move around of what is happening in the world and of all those who are on the front line doing such a sterling job keeping us safe. All of health workers, retail staff and others that are working on a daily basis to keep Ireland going in the middle of this pandemic. We have a large number of health care workers living here in the village and also in the surrounding areas that are working long hours to preserve life. I salute you all…

Also for those people who are struggling, whether that is missing family, colleagues, friends whoever just pick up the phone and make that call or send that text you were threatening to always send… We are apart but technology allows us to be in family’s front rooms and even though it certainly isn’t the same as being there but  Face Time, Whatsapp, Skype and House Party allow people to stay connected…

When this is all said and done when ever that will be, there will be one hell of a party… But for now we just need to heed the current restrictions and look after each other by staying apart !!

Also I will turn 30 just before the current sets of restrictions are lifted on the 5^th of May so I will be marking my 30^th nice and quietly….

I was very slow to sit down and write this particular piece to mark the end of 2019. My reason being is I have done a lot thinking about my writing since 2013 when I started blogging on different topics. I have written at length about many personal situations which I would never have dreamed about speaking pre 2014 let alone write about these things down for future generations to read or hear my recordings.

Over the past few days I keep hearing about the end of the decade which is correct to say but when did this thing become an event.  In honour of this I will now give people a short run down on the last 10 years of my life, since 2010 I have lost so many key people that have been vital to my life, losing my grandparents in 2011 and 2014 a few weeks after I lost my grandfather in 2014 I came so close to ending my life only for my mother’s intuition and understanding to kick in and get a relation who will remain nameless to call my grandparents home to speak to me and that call prove crucial in making sure I didn’t follow through on my quickly hatched plan to end my life.

I owe my mother and that relation my life because had that call not arrived I would not be writing this piece. So many people spoke to me in the aftermath of me writing about my experiences the following May, these events happened in March 2014. I have had many moments since that particular time in which I have doubted myself and I did think about ending my life again on my 30^th birthday. Don’t ask me to explain why I felt like that and why I selected my 30^th birthday as the moment I thought of ending it all.

This plan was formed over a number of years but thankfully with the help of counselling and writing I have learned some very important life lessons and coping skills. I have finally learned to be happy with the man I have turned into but it has taken almost 16 years for me to get to this point where I can look myself in the mirror and smile and be pleased with the person I am.

People may read this and go , Cian is off again on another rant about his life and  his issues and if that is what you feel when you click into this article by all means leave the page and don’t trouble yourself with my writing.

In the grand scheme of things my life is very good where I have no issues with my health ( that I know of) and I am at peace with myself and I can honestly say that I was able to enjoy Christmas this year for the first time in over 15 or 16 years which in a big step forward. For anyone who struggled this year I can only tell you from someone who felt like shit many times , there is light at the end of the tunnel always….

Since 2016, things have not been the same for me after the sudden death of my mother. I didn’t know in the immediate days, weeks, months and now 3 years down the road how I was going to carry on but through huge amounts of support and counselling I am still here and grateful to so many people who I have met this Christmas and at other times since September 2016, you all have played a huge role in keeping this man off the canvass. I THANK You All So Much FOR That….

As 2019 draws to a close and we enter 2020, I will turn 30 in May 2020. I will be so grateful to make it to that milestone god willing. (  No there will not be any big celebration to mark it )  To all who have lost loved ones this year, my condolences to you all.. To people who welcomed new children, new daughters in law, sons in law, grand kids well done and I hope you enjoyed the last few days and the next few days also.

Well that is enough from me, I will end this with a quote from my late Mother that summed her up perfectly and it simply is “ Work and Story “ So from 2020 onward that will be the motto…. Have a good New Year and Thank YOU ALL so much from this very luck author…….

Hi Barbara, It’s a real pleasure to speak with you..

 

You are a strongwoman, wrestler and power lifter, how did you get started in that work ?

I always admired strong muscular women and i did many sports in the past, but when I stopped for 1 year with training because of problems with my relationship, I put on weight little bit and when I started again with training I found new personal coach at the gym and fell in love in this sport…I started with powerlifting, then I continued with strongwoman- and I added wrestling too…actually it was big luck everytime because I met right people who showed me these sports and possibilities to competitions ..my first fitness coach introduced me to powerlifting- he said I am naturally strong for woman and I should try to compete in powerlifting…

I met other people at the gym and they competed in strongman and asked me if I don’t want to try to train with them…So i tried and i loved it because it is very complex hard training and you need to be completely strong and there are many disciplines not only 3 like in powerlifting.

And i must say that when i started with strongman training i became much more stronger than before…I really LOVE it!:-) and how did i get to wrestling? By accident☺ I read advertisement on internet that they are looking for muscular strong women for wrestling shooting in Prague…I arranged interview, I liked it and I started with shooting and then with trainings…now I go to MMA classes and I like it too!

 

How many years have you been travelling around doing those different shows that you do ?

 

Concerning wrestling sessions I don’t do it so long- I started 1 year ago.

 

I  have done powerlifting  for around 10 years and strongwoman 2 years.

 

What sort of training do you do to keep your technique as a power lifter ?

Most of my trainings are really hard and strength trainings,

I need to keep my power during all year so I can not stop with this type of training for long time but when i am “off season”- I have lighter trainings, i do more reps, more cardio training…but base of all  for me are basic exercices with free weights like squats, presses, deadlifts….

And when I prepare for strongwoman competitions I train more and more strongman disciplines like atlas stones, super yoke, axel bar, log lift, farmers walk, frame carry, etc…

I need to change gym because here in Prague it is very complicated to find good gym for strongman training …We have 1 very good but it is far away from my place so I spend a lot of time on travelling but what do you do !!☺

 

Your work with Session Girls, can you explain that website to us ?

Sessiongirls.com is webside where guys can find any sessiongirl in the world…

We have profiles there, we put pics and videos there, we introduce ourselves, what we offer for sessions, our best results at the gym, we can add some links to our own websites….

It is great webside where we can introduce ourselves to guys…

There is also possibility of bigger advertising if you pay membership…

It is really very popular website and I am glad I have my profile there- Barbara Czech☺

 

How many sessions would you do on a daily basis ?

It is very different and depends on my training, competitions, my job in the office, my travels…I am very busy but I enjoy it ☺

 

What do your friends and family think of the job you do ?

They don’t have any problem with it because they know about my passion for any sport and they also know I will do what I want☺

 

What type of diet would you follow when you train ?

I need to keep high protein diet, it means I need to care of amount of proteins which I eat during the day for building my muscles and recovery too, I try to eat healthy, eat less amount of carbohydrates and some fat…a lot of meat, eggs, cottage cheese, yoghurt, fruit, vegetables, rice…

I have intolerance to gluten and lactose as well so I must keep to these diets too…

 

How did you get interested in the job you currently do ?

I saw advertisement on internet where they were looking for muscular strong women for wrestling shooting in Prague …I arranged interview and I liked it and then my friend from wrestling told me about possibility to do wrestling sessions and I created my profile and started with this job.

 

If you were not doing the job you are doing, what do you think you would be doing in life ?

When I was a child I wanted to be a professional athlete…

it was my dream,But unfortunately I didn’t choose right sports in the past in which I could become world champion and now i am very old for professional sport…for power lifting or strongman sport it is fine but problem is these sports are not Olympic so even if you are very good athlete you need still to pay your expenses like travels, hotels, sports nutrition etc and it costs a lot of money if you don’t have any sponsor…

Strongwoman sport is not popular here in Czech Republic so I don’t have any sponsor yet…maybe if I moved to UK or USA my situation would be different…So I love this sport and competitions but it costs really so much money…

 

To people who may not understand what you do, what would you say to them ?

I offer sessions where I can show you my power, I do arm wrestling, different types of wrestling- competitive, fantasy, posing, lifts and carry, muscle worship, i offer online coaching too- we can go together to the gym for training, I can help you with your diet, give you some advices how to loose, how to build muscle, how to be strong☺ 

We can meet at special studio for wrestling or at the hotel, at the gym…

I can show you techniques from wrestling, some holds, scissors…

Some my clients prefer fantasy light wrestling and muscle worship and some want real competitive wrestling, arm wrestling, tests of strength like push ups etc☺

It is very different…

Sometimes I am just company to the restaurant, theatre…on holidays…

 

Lastly Barbara, What are your plans for the future ? Thank you for taking time out to chat to me…

I have one big goal for next year- Arnold Classic strongwoman Competition in Ohio Columbus next March 2020…I want to train hard and get some good result there☺

Next month I have competition in UAE in Dubai- also strongwoman…

I would like to get more clients in my sessions, i am also planning to moving abroad- i am considering UAE- Dubai…I want to work at the gym there like personal coach – i already have Certificate of bodybuilding and fitness coaching- and also to try to advertise strongwoman there and show people even muscular strong women can be sexy and girls dont have to be afraid of lifting weights at the gym….They will not look like men, trust me…it is not so easy☺

And in general, I want to live happy life, be surrounded positive nice friendly honest people and do what I love so continue in my competitions, trainings, building strength and muscles.

It is amazing how quickly life changes, relationships and people change beyond all recognition when a big moment happens in life. You try extremely hard to return to your own self but your head and other factors stop you from doing things as you had hoped.

It has amazed me in particular how quick you lose touch with people. I have trusted more people in the last 5 years than I ever trusted in the previous 24 years. I have always been the guy to make others laugh and try to crack a joke.

Yes I seem to be Mr Serious and the look on my face seems to always suggest to people that I am in foul humour but that is so far removed from the truth in recent times. To some I may not have changed or moved on, to more I may seem like I haven’t a clue what to do with life or in life but as I have said so often before I will get there wherever there is in my own time. Again as my 29^th birthday looms next week I am taking stock of where I am and where people expect you to be to keep up with the social norms of being in such and such a spot by 21, 30 and so on.

I have always done things stuff at a certain pace and in a certain way. I have given up listening to people who seem to be passing on pearls of wisdom because they feel it will benefit you in some way. I have heard so much “friendly” advice whether I wanted it or not in the last 2 and a bit years. Some decent advice but some utter crap from people who feel it is there right to fill in the void my Mam left.

I take advice from only a small number of people who have some idea of the situation I have been in since late 2016. It may also just be in my head but that is for me to figure out in time. I have spoken to so many and kept in touch with so many. I am at peace at last.

That plan of a few years ago to end my life at 30 has gone by the way side but I still think about what would happen if it did happen. Would I be missed, very doubtful from my perspective at this point but such is life.

I enjoy writing and recording but I will seriously have to think about what is really next on the agenda as I will turn 30 in 2020. I have time on my side and to use the skills already at my disposal and maybe add one or two more.

I still need time to process things in my own way and not just to suit others. I honestly feel like I make a choice and then I get advice helpful or not straight off the bat. Time to take full control of my life and drive on and not be sitting here in April 2020 writing a similar piece……