Last Monday night, I experienced a fleeting moment that last about an hour. I felt completely lost, worthless and helpless. Thankfully I only ever suffered from this a few times over the years. I spent the hour looking over life choices and kicking myself for the stuff I didn’t do and again questioned my choices.

As I say, this feeling lasted an hour I managed it and was able to move beyond it. It showed me that those moments can strike at any time day or night. I just felt compelled to write this piece.

The world is a very tough place at the moment with news constantly flooding people via social media on the radio and tv you just can’t escape it at times. I don’t know how or why I ended up in that position but I did and managed it which I have done over the years.

I try my best on a daily basis to make people smile and keep thing as light hearted as possible. I don’t know why this is the case maybe it is a default setting but It is easier to smile than cry. I know people will read this and say, laugh and smile really but again those people don’t obviously know the real me.

The moment came and went but left a lasting impression of how delicate the balance is between the sun shining and the preverbal “kick in the hole”. It certainly set me thinking and did make me reflect when the moment passed and I realised as I know now that I am who I want to be no matter what the circumstances are.

I promised myself that I would allow the moment pass and then deal with it quietly and privately. It might be linked to Mam’s anniversary later in the year or something else but whatever the reasons I know I have the tools to deal with the situation if it occurs in the future.

Writing about it is also a great help as I can visualise the whole thing now as I have had the time to look back on it. Amazing how quickly it passed as well. It landed and then as quick it was gone. Having gone through a number of situations over my almost 36 years on the planet I now know how to look after myself and make sure not to get too high or too low.

It is what it is and you just have to make the best of your choices in life. Over the last 3 years in particular I have been in a real position to make choices and live by them.

I have written and done a few videos concerning certain things and everyone has struck a chord with someone along the way. It will be a quick mention, a call or a text from somewhere usually where you would not expect it to come from.

It was a fleeting moment that had me on the ropes but I fought the demons and the voices in my head and found my way through. I am who I want to be and I am where I want to be in life no matter what the small voices in my mind might want to tell you…

Push through those feelings and kick on to the next moment in life. The mind is a funny thing and will take you to places you may not what to go but I rolled with the punches and rode out the short storm that developed in my mind.

Keep on going and don’t let the little voices win the day…. The light is shining brightly for me and I am grateful for every day.

Last Friday night as a bit of fun I put myself in the centre of a story that said I was “Off To Boston” and a poster was done up to advertise my supposed impending departure as there was a hastily organised party next Tuesday St Patrick’s Day to mark my going away to the USA.

It had people believing it was true be that because of Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. I was asked multiple times was it true. It wasn’t but does prove 1 thing, don’t believe all you see or read.  It was done purely to see how far we might be able to take it.

It was a bit of fun because I am the last person who would do such a thing as I was told, hard to believe, I was wondering were some responses this story got.

It just shows how convincing AI can be and when used in that circumstance it is a bit of harmless fun but it shows how convincing it can be when used in this instance and then used in other less humorous ways.

What my little bit of fun proved is that even though it was all done in jest and in good fun just maybe think twice the next time you read something or see something advertised… A trip to USA may not happen this time but may well happen in the future.

For now though St Particks Day is still the only celebration on March 17^th and my departure may well be celebrated in the future but not for another period of time….

Keyboard warriors caused Andy Farrell to get quite frustrated in the aftermath of Saturday’s win over Italy in the Aviva. He turned on them and asked people to “cop on” when it came to the debate about who the Ireland 10 should be, Jack Crowley is 26 and Sam Prendergast is 23. They are two very different players of course in style terms and bring differing strong qualities to the game.

What that statement from Farrell did probably do is open the door for debate on how easy it has become for the majority to have an opinion be it informed or ill-informed and that goes for any debate in relation to anything in life.

Social Media has come along since the early days of the 2000s and changed how we in the general public consume everything from news to deaths and everything in between. No longer do we read, access, form an opinion and make an informed statement on a subject.

Now it’s far quicker and in some cases it’s only a headline or tag line, we take it and then people jump on the subject and have a field day with the subject.

I still use my media training when reading or accessing a story, who, what, why, where and when. It has helped me avoid jumping in at the deep end and making statements that will cause harm somewhere along the line.

Healthy debate is always welcome and scrutiny of decisions of coaches is this instance is always welcome but there is a line and you just cannot cross it, I have made that error and have learned from it thankfully.

Both Sam and Jack will be there for the long term along with others like Harry Byrne and Jack Murphy. Ireland are fortunate to have these 4 boys currently pushing each other to be the best version of themselves, it will only help Irish rugby in the long term to have this level of competition.

Andy Farrell felt it was the best time to make that statement on Saturday evening, some will say it was deflection from a mixed showing and more will say it was well timed and he was defending his players. Andy Farrell is very well qualified to give an opinion having spent his whole life in the spot light have debuted for Wigan Warriors aged 17.

He will also know that he will need to answer some tough questions heading to face England on Saturday evening in Twickenham. Ireland go to London with two mixed outings against France and Italy. Himself and his coaches will have some tough decisions to make when picking the 23 to take on England.

As for the key board warriors, they will continue to be there no matter what and will continue to spread nasty ill-informed opinions into the future. While debate and criticism is healthy, the line is there and no matter how strong your feelings, it just can’t be crossed, take it from one who did it and learned from it……

While Mam’s anniversary won’t fall until next September when we will mark 10 years since she passed away, there will be a significant milestone before then when her “small boy” gets hitched in May and that has prompted me to sit down and pen this particular piece.

This will be one of those moments and day’s when you will feel the missing presence more than other times. Since that moment on September 7^th  2016 and then the decision 3 days later to switch off her life support machine. We have all changed since that day.

Of course her selfless decision to donate her organs has a lasting impact and to know that someone somewhere in the country has an organ belonging to her is still something truly special. I myself have changed beyond all recognition and while some might say I am still that moaning old bollix that I was at 26 and before hasn’t met me and with that hasn’t spoken to me.

Yes, from time to time that version of me does appear but he gets less and less airtime than ever before. I had to do a lot of growing up and straightening myself out to act like a fully grown functioning adult. I had to kick into gear in an awful lot of areas and has been pointed out to me I was “minded” too much “mollycoddled” is the word that actually used.

10 years on, I can only truly speak on my own behalf here and I am where I should have been in the years before Mam died but a mix of stubbornness and laziness probably stalled any hope of that move or attempt at looking at options to move from home.

I know that on a few occasions when the topic was broached I was shut it down or it ended in a row and then was put to bed until the next attempt was made and the same cycle repeated itself again.

It really did take Mam dying for me to kick into gear and I am ashamed of myself that it actually took that to happen for me to act like an adult and look to make a go at creating some sort of life for myself.

Thank god the chance came to my door back in 2023 and since then I have been able to start to create some sort of life for myself and live independent of Mammy and Daddy as I was told on more than one occasion by certain people who strangely enough didn’t offer one word after I made the break in April 2023.

Strange that to be fair, but look I made the move and that is the key part of the whole thing. In the 10 years since Mam died I have changed my outlook, started to look after my health which would also please Mother.

For those of you that have lost a parent, you have my sympathy and it doesn’t matter at what age it happens or how it happens it still has a massive impact on those left behind. I still make stupid statements and do things on impulse but I have been able to think on my feet more than before.

Mother is looking after me at times as well as I can hear her speaking to me as I answer certain questions or while I am doing certain things. I am thankful for that feeling as I can feel her presence when I am doing certain things.

It would help if she was actually here to give actual advice rather than looking for a sign or thinking what might say in this situation or that situation. Other people have been great at offering advice when I have sought it on certain things which I am grateful for.

I gained a number of “Mammies” when she passed away because I am sure people thought I wouldn’t or couldn’t cope. Thankfully I have managed better that I probably thought myself but that comes from experience and just doing things and a trial and error approach.

As I say, we will mark 10 years in September in some way I am sure. Hard to believe or even think it’s 10 years but it is and while much has stayed the same plenty has changed and you’d be proud of the pair of us, the “small boy” is getting married and your eldest is doing what you always hoped and wanted and living life as best he can…..

2026 is almost upon us and it will be “New Year, new you” for lots of people. New year traditions will be to the forefront over the coming days. To anyone about to pick up or start a new regime be that starting from scratch on Thursday, all the very best to you with it.

For more people, they can close the book on 2025 and start a fresh in 2026 depending on how 2025 played out for you and yours of course. Families welcomed new additions, sons in law, daughters in law. Families said goodbye to loved ones as well and for that reason people will be glad to see the end of 2025.

The new year will bring fresh promise and hope for many people, it will mark the countdown to many big family occasions aswell. We as a family fall into that particular bracket as Fionn will get married in late May, I have a small role to play on the day which will be enjoyable of course.

The new year will see every “influencer” out in there droves to tell you and show you how to press the reset button heading into the new year and also how to lose the excess weight of the Christmas and New Year.

I myself will stick to my own plan and won’t be looking for any secret formula to help me stay up on the exercise bike into 2026 after taking to using the exercise bike in mid 2025. A small bit of weight has been lost and that will continue as the new year approaches.

Do whatever works and suits you and drive forward and don’t look back and wonder what might have been, make the plan to make the change if you want to do so.

So as we head for 2026, I’d like to wish all of you both near and far a very Happy New Year and thanks for the continued support of my ramblings and recordings….

14 years ago, Gary Speed passed away. I have been thinking of him over the past 24 hours. When you see all these sports stars that we all think have it all, money, fame etc. But as has been proven many times, they suffer like the rest of us and have the same problems as the ordinary punter.

It was heart breaking to watch the footage from Match Of the Day and see him in studio in the hours before he passed away. It is another reminder of how frail the human mind can be. Someone might look like they have it all but the reality might be very different.

Amazing when you speak of it, how you hear so often “I never he or she felt like that”. I can only go from my own experience to help and explain the feelings.

 As Christmas is around the corner, you can be sure while many people enjoy the time of year ahead. More people dread it with real dread not just something that people might think be in someone’s head.

I will openly tell anyone, I am not a big fan of Christmas and while that is slowly changing, the memories and reasons for not being a major Christmas fan are very much still there.

The amount of times you see the word “lonely” attached to this time of year will always set me thinking. You will of course have those who can’t stand the time of year and more like myself who just want a quiet Christmas with no interference but many will relish the time of year a revel in it.

My reason, for using Gary Speed at the start of this is to highlight again, that even the supposed strongest in society can struggle at any time. I remember the news of his death very clearly and the shock I felt at the time.

I am reminded every time I see news of certain deaths, of my own experience and while I have learned to live with my choices and the consequences of what may have happened if I had gone through with any of my attempts.

I will never take for granted the fact I did not go through with it and will do my best even in a small way to help those who may not feel they can’t talk openly about things that may be affecting them. 

In 2025, I am in the strongest place I have ever been and while I know that is not the case for many people, always remember when and if you are ready, the support will be there for you.

Of course not everyone will want to accept that help and that is their choice. That side needs to be spoken about too. My own experience is that you just don’t want to speak to people openly about any issues or troubles. My attitude was “I’ll sort it myself”.

With Christmas on the horizon, enjoy it and what might be ahead for you and yours. Just be mindful of people in certain circumstances if you can.

I’ll do as I always have and enjoy a quiet peaceful one here in my home, Christmas number 3 out on my own….. Enjoy the time of year ahead and just remember to think before you speak…..

My thoughts are with the Speed family as well as any other family that have been affected at this time of the year in particular….

I put another video together last week and it amazes me that any personal piece I write or record resonates more than any sports piece I have written or recorded over the duration of my website. I try my best to write from the heart and use my own personal experience to help people.

You do sit down to write and often think, will people read this and am I only kidding myself but then you get the private word from a few people and that tells me that what I write is having some impact. If it only assists one person then that will be enough for me.

I will only draw on my own experience as I know that in detail and won’t ever speak of anyone else. People might well look and say “oh christ Cian is off on another solo run” but that is farthest from the reality. I know people suffer on a daily basis and most suffer in silence with nowhere to turn or no avenue to try and speak up.

As I said in that video last week without making it a life mission, I will my best to keep highlighting this until it becomes normal to speak of it as it is to chat about sport, news or something else.

If you have never suffered with your emotions or as I said in the video been at the point of no return then I am glad that has never happened because it is one lonely place to be.

The moment you feel you’re doing your final moments has a weird calming effect. Having been there on more than one occasion I can defiantly say it does have a strange calming effect. It is not a weakness to ask for help. I didn’t ask for any help until I was 24 and that didn’t help me but once I accepted help all those issues while they didn’t fully heal began to get smaller than the large issues I felt they were in my own head.

Those battles were never personal, not once were those battles caused by other people. They were always battles with my own mind and that feeling of helplessness and worthlessness. Feeling low and not being worthy of a place on this planet. It is a very lonely spot to be in and even though I did everything not to allow those feelings take me over, they almost did on more than one occasion.

I found my reason to fight on thanks to those well publicised interventions that I spoke of. I owe those people my life and I thank them all silently on a daily basis. Two of those 3 people are no longer here but they keep me on the straight and narrow by just thinking of them.

You do think, by ending your life you’ll instantly solve your own issues and won’t leave any mess behind but by going through with your threats you will only leave an even bigger mess behind you.

As I was told a few times my death would have caused more issues than it would have solved. So to anyone that is having any issues, find a person you trust and try and have that first conversation, It will be worth it I promise you.

I will always speak openly and honestly about my past but will always keep certain things private for the sake of peace of mind. In the past 2 years, I have kicked on with life, writing, recording and I also lost a small bit of weight around the waistline so things are on the up and I will continue on that upward curve.

Life has thought me at this stage there is no challenge I can’t overcome and trust me when I was at my lowest point I never thought I would ever say such a thing or make a statement that included the words, “ I am good enough to be here and worthy of my place”

Always remember, you are good enough no matter who you are and to put simply if a little bit crudely to those who might want to get you down or put you down, “fuck them”…

I‘ll end it there before I get myself into trouble…..

The news of Lewis Moody being diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease at the age of 47 defiantly brings things into perspective and again highlights the continued work that rugby will need to do to safeguard it’s future given the proven links between the sport and CTE and diseases like MND, dementia etc.

A growing number of people who were the first true professionals in rugby union are suffering with the effects of concussions and in turn are having to deal with various ailments attached to them. Lewis is only 12 years older than yours truly and it again brings home the true reality of playing a contact sport.

Many of the guys that Lewis faced while playing for England, Leicester Tigers and the British and Irish Lions are in the same boat. Men like Carl Hayman, Ryan Jones and Alix Popham are all in the same boat as Lewis and it highlights the vulnerabilities of the human brain.

The first generation of pro’s who didn’t cross over from the amateur game have begun to retire in the past few years and unfortunately they will be used as test cases to help the game to try and combat against the effects of these diseases into the future.

Only a few weeks ago, Shane Christie was buried in New Zealand after battling the effects of CTE and it has been stated that he suffered a number of concussions through his career. He worked tirelessly in retirement to try and highlight the ongoing issues.

While work is being done by World Rugby to try and help combat against the effects of concussion with stand down periods, in game head injury assessments. One does wonder is that going to be enough for the future of the game of rugby in both union and league.

Some ex players have said they would do it all again in a heartbeat even knowing the risks. Purely from a human stand point it is gut wrenching to see men like Lewis and others come out on National TV  and explain that they have been given the most devastating diagnosis where in the case of MND there is no cure.

Ex team mates of Lewis, Leon Lloyd and Geordan Murphy set up a Go Fund Me page to help Lewis and his family with costs that will be related to the road ahead for the Moody family. It has been a well-trodden path for the families of people over the past number of years.

The Doddie Weir Foundation was set up by Doddie Weir to help families and also assist in research for a cure to be found after his own diagnosis. Lewis has done much fundraising himself in the years since his retirement and now he is looking for some support himself.

I love the game of rugby but in the past few years in the instance of concussions has really hit home. Watching the game either live or on TV you even wince yourself with some of the heavy contact between bodies.

I personally fear that the game could grind to halt at amateur level over the next number of years because parents will say they don’t want their kids involved in the game. Even though the game is built on strong values and morals, I don’t think that will even save it from extinction.

Only time will tell of course but the reality is that both league and union could be heading down a very slippery slope that those in charge at the highest level might not be willing to face but those in the amateur game may be beginning to see the reality of the changing attitudes towards the game of rugby.

I was knocked sideways when seeing the news yesterday and then to realise that he is only 12 years older than myself really made me sit up and take notice. A team mate of his Ed Slater is also suffering from MND and is a few years ahead of Lewis in his battle. He was also only in his 40s when he got his own bad news.

While I still love the game of rugby union and it has given me some of the best moments of my life following Munster in their quest to conquer Europe which came to pass in 2006 and 2008, I am very aware that some of those guys I watched and idolised are now suffering long term health issues attached to playing the game has given me food for thought.

Those in charge must continue to work with those in the medical profession to try and come up with long term solutions that will work for everyone. That of course won’t be easy but if people at all levels just do what they can, like the simple message of If in doubt, sit it out….

My thoughts are with Lewis Moody, his family and friends as well as his team mates at this time. I am also thinking of all of those who suffer from MND and any other health issues similar to that.

After all rugby is only a game with a short shelf life and there is a long life to live post career in both the amateur game as well as in the professional game…..

I wrote a piece to mark 9 years since Mam passed away back in June. Hard to think it is 9 years since Mam came home from work and within minutes was battling to stay alive. My reason for penning this particular piece is to give a warts and all view from my perspective of that day and the time since.

Next Sunday evening at 6.40pm, I will mark the exact moment that Mam suffered her brain injury that 3 days later took her from her family at the age of 49. In the time since Mam passed away, life has changed. I am out on my own and I am writing and hoping to go back recording soon.

The biggest change for me is that I am fully in control of my life and that is what Mam always wanted. I look at myself and think back to the time 9 years ago and I can see a very different person looking back at me when I look at the mirror.

The events of that evening have had a lasting impact both positive and negative but with professional support as well as the loyal support of many people, I have managed to create a life for myself.

It hasn’t all been plain sailing, I give off the impression that nothing ever affected me when in fact things were on top of me for a large portion of the past few years but thank god that has all began to turn over recent years and I can see the light.

I know I can be an awkward fella but I never set out to be that way, I am trying very hard to change but like with most habits it is hard to change from what is drilled into my head. As I say I am working hard to complete that particular change to my personality.

I want to say to anyone that may have fallen out with friends or family over the past while, If you feel it might be worth fighting for that relationship, do so because life can change in an instant. Take it from someone who bought that t shirt. Fix it now and try to move forward….

I will also apologise to anyone now, if I seem distracted from next Sunday until the following Wednesday. While time has passed and things have gotten easier with the passage of time, certain moments are still very fresh in my mind….

The level of support I continue to receive from people who do it quietly and without fuss won’t ever be forgotten. I can’t thank those people enough for what they have done for me and continue to do. I will continue to live my life the way I see fit and if that doesn’t suit people then tough….

I have always tried to do my best for people and to be there for people if they needed someone. I will continue to be that listening ear if anyone needs someone to listen… For that small group of people who still look out for yours truly, thank you all from the bottom of my heart !!!

To Mam, its 9 years since you left this world but your influence on me continues to this very day…. Look after yourself wherever you are and thank you for everything……

On the 10^th of September, It will be 9 years since Mam passed away. In that time her eldest son found his backbone and moved out and her youngest son got engaged. Sorry Mam marriage isn’t for me….

More and more situations are cropping up where your presence would be handy and useful and I am not just speaking of my eye sight !!  Answers to certain questions where only you can provide the answer. Looking at a head stone and waiting for you to provide a “sign” will not work either.

As the years have gone by, your death and the circumstances have grown easier to deal with, only slightly mind you. I sit here once a year and jot down this piece and wonder how life might be if you were still here.

I have made my peace with what happened and have moved beyond the torment of that first year. Writing and journaling have had a huge impact and helped me process each emotion as they arrived. Counselling was so helpful even though it took me time to come to table in respect of speaking to a professional even though I have done that many times over the past 20 years.

I know my move over 2 years ago now would certainly have provided you with great happiness and contentment.

It has done many things for me also even though I resisted it several times. When we broached the subject in the kitchen and like many things it almost always ended with a shouting match and yours truly digging his heels in and refusing point blank to deal with the elephant in the room for around another 6 months until another delicate approach was made to see could we discuss it.

Alas, under your watch it never materialised but in 2021, I started the process that bared fruit in April 2023. This so called “independence” that so many speak of is very good.

The fact I can come and go as I please still brings a smile to my face and I don’t need to wait for others or check in, even though at 35, checking in should be a thing of the past which now it is and I will not be going back…

I can still hear you when I talk to people, in certain situations. I have had the “kick in the arse” and it still threatened by certain people who I listen to which you’ll be surprised to hear is a very small select group, what a surprise I can hear you saying as I type.

I have manged to look after myself without causing myself an injury or anything extreme like that, that is a win of course. Those people that spoke of you “minding me” too much have quietened and don’t speak out as much.

Those that I look to for support have continued to offer it quietly and privately. They know who they are and they will never truly know or I will never be able to thank them all enough for that help.

As you know, I probably still need to work on certain rough edges but as I sit here and type I know I have made improvements to my life and also my outlook has changed on life and for that above all else I am very thankful and grateful.

It took far too long for me to change that but I have calmed and in my opinion I have become way more in tune with day to day living. So many things that you tried to get me to change have happened in the years since you passed away and although you are not here to see it physically.

You would just be happy to see those changes happen. I know I drove you demented at times because of my refusal to try and see it from your point of view and just step out of my comfort zone. That change is very welcome, in many respects I am still the same but those subtle changes you wanted have happened slowly but surely.

Mam, I thank you for everything you did for me as I know, you had to fight hard to be heard in certain circumstances before I was born and defiantly in the early years of my life… Thank you for fighting and I’ll continue that fight in your memory.

Your selfless act of organ donation still amazes me 9 years on and gave people a second chance at living there lives, but as I know you had no problem fighting for the rights of this author whether it was being placed in main stream school instead of where you had been advised  to put me.

We are certainly similar in that way because I won’t listen to certain people myself in certain circumstances, so thank you for providing the back bone…..

9 years gone but defiantly not forgotten…..