2026 is almost upon us and it will be “New Year, new you” for lots of people. New year traditions will be to the forefront over the coming days. To anyone about to pick up or start a new regime be that starting from scratch on Thursday, all the very best to you with it.

For more people, they can close the book on 2025 and start a fresh in 2026 depending on how 2025 played out for you and yours of course. Families welcomed new additions, sons in law, daughters in law. Families said goodbye to loved ones as well and for that reason people will be glad to see the end of 2025.

The new year will bring fresh promise and hope for many people, it will mark the countdown to many big family occasions aswell. We as a family fall into that particular bracket as Fionn will get married in late May, I have a small role to play on the day which will be enjoyable of course.

The new year will see every “influencer” out in there droves to tell you and show you how to press the reset button heading into the new year and also how to lose the excess weight of the Christmas and New Year.

I myself will stick to my own plan and won’t be looking for any secret formula to help me stay up on the exercise bike into 2026 after taking to using the exercise bike in mid 2025. A small bit of weight has been lost and that will continue as the new year approaches.

Do whatever works and suits you and drive forward and don’t look back and wonder what might have been, make the plan to make the change if you want to do so.

So as we head for 2026, I’d like to wish all of you both near and far a very Happy New Year and thanks for the continued support of my ramblings and recordings….

14 years ago, Gary Speed passed away. I have been thinking of him over the past 24 hours. When you see all these sports stars that we all think have it all, money, fame etc. But as has been proven many times, they suffer like the rest of us and have the same problems as the ordinary punter.

It was heart breaking to watch the footage from Match Of the Day and see him in studio in the hours before he passed away. It is another reminder of how frail the human mind can be. Someone might look like they have it all but the reality might be very different.

Amazing when you speak of it, how you hear so often “I never he or she felt like that”. I can only go from my own experience to help and explain the feelings.

 As Christmas is around the corner, you can be sure while many people enjoy the time of year ahead. More people dread it with real dread not just something that people might think be in someone’s head.

I will openly tell anyone, I am not a big fan of Christmas and while that is slowly changing, the memories and reasons for not being a major Christmas fan are very much still there.

The amount of times you see the word “lonely” attached to this time of year will always set me thinking. You will of course have those who can’t stand the time of year and more like myself who just want a quiet Christmas with no interference but many will relish the time of year a revel in it.

My reason, for using Gary Speed at the start of this is to highlight again, that even the supposed strongest in society can struggle at any time. I remember the news of his death very clearly and the shock I felt at the time.

I am reminded every time I see news of certain deaths, of my own experience and while I have learned to live with my choices and the consequences of what may have happened if I had gone through with any of my attempts.

I will never take for granted the fact I did not go through with it and will do my best even in a small way to help those who may not feel they can’t talk openly about things that may be affecting them. 

In 2025, I am in the strongest place I have ever been and while I know that is not the case for many people, always remember when and if you are ready, the support will be there for you.

Of course not everyone will want to accept that help and that is their choice. That side needs to be spoken about too. My own experience is that you just don’t want to speak to people openly about any issues or troubles. My attitude was “I’ll sort it myself”.

With Christmas on the horizon, enjoy it and what might be ahead for you and yours. Just be mindful of people in certain circumstances if you can.

I’ll do as I always have and enjoy a quiet peaceful one here in my home, Christmas number 3 out on my own….. Enjoy the time of year ahead and just remember to think before you speak…..

My thoughts are with the Speed family as well as any other family that have been affected at this time of the year in particular….

I put another video together last week and it amazes me that any personal piece I write or record resonates more than any sports piece I have written or recorded over the duration of my website. I try my best to write from the heart and use my own personal experience to help people.

You do sit down to write and often think, will people read this and am I only kidding myself but then you get the private word from a few people and that tells me that what I write is having some impact. If it only assists one person then that will be enough for me.

I will only draw on my own experience as I know that in detail and won’t ever speak of anyone else. People might well look and say “oh christ Cian is off on another solo run” but that is farthest from the reality. I know people suffer on a daily basis and most suffer in silence with nowhere to turn or no avenue to try and speak up.

As I said in that video last week without making it a life mission, I will my best to keep highlighting this until it becomes normal to speak of it as it is to chat about sport, news or something else.

If you have never suffered with your emotions or as I said in the video been at the point of no return then I am glad that has never happened because it is one lonely place to be.

The moment you feel you’re doing your final moments has a weird calming effect. Having been there on more than one occasion I can defiantly say it does have a strange calming effect. It is not a weakness to ask for help. I didn’t ask for any help until I was 24 and that didn’t help me but once I accepted help all those issues while they didn’t fully heal began to get smaller than the large issues I felt they were in my own head.

Those battles were never personal, not once were those battles caused by other people. They were always battles with my own mind and that feeling of helplessness and worthlessness. Feeling low and not being worthy of a place on this planet. It is a very lonely spot to be in and even though I did everything not to allow those feelings take me over, they almost did on more than one occasion.

I found my reason to fight on thanks to those well publicised interventions that I spoke of. I owe those people my life and I thank them all silently on a daily basis. Two of those 3 people are no longer here but they keep me on the straight and narrow by just thinking of them.

You do think, by ending your life you’ll instantly solve your own issues and won’t leave any mess behind but by going through with your threats you will only leave an even bigger mess behind you.

As I was told a few times my death would have caused more issues than it would have solved. So to anyone that is having any issues, find a person you trust and try and have that first conversation, It will be worth it I promise you.

I will always speak openly and honestly about my past but will always keep certain things private for the sake of peace of mind. In the past 2 years, I have kicked on with life, writing, recording and I also lost a small bit of weight around the waistline so things are on the up and I will continue on that upward curve.

Life has thought me at this stage there is no challenge I can’t overcome and trust me when I was at my lowest point I never thought I would ever say such a thing or make a statement that included the words, “ I am good enough to be here and worthy of my place”

Always remember, you are good enough no matter who you are and to put simply if a little bit crudely to those who might want to get you down or put you down, “fuck them”…

I‘ll end it there before I get myself into trouble…..

The news of Lewis Moody being diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease at the age of 47 defiantly brings things into perspective and again highlights the continued work that rugby will need to do to safeguard it’s future given the proven links between the sport and CTE and diseases like MND, dementia etc.

A growing number of people who were the first true professionals in rugby union are suffering with the effects of concussions and in turn are having to deal with various ailments attached to them. Lewis is only 12 years older than yours truly and it again brings home the true reality of playing a contact sport.

Many of the guys that Lewis faced while playing for England, Leicester Tigers and the British and Irish Lions are in the same boat. Men like Carl Hayman, Ryan Jones and Alix Popham are all in the same boat as Lewis and it highlights the vulnerabilities of the human brain.

The first generation of pro’s who didn’t cross over from the amateur game have begun to retire in the past few years and unfortunately they will be used as test cases to help the game to try and combat against the effects of these diseases into the future.

Only a few weeks ago, Shane Christie was buried in New Zealand after battling the effects of CTE and it has been stated that he suffered a number of concussions through his career. He worked tirelessly in retirement to try and highlight the ongoing issues.

While work is being done by World Rugby to try and help combat against the effects of concussion with stand down periods, in game head injury assessments. One does wonder is that going to be enough for the future of the game of rugby in both union and league.

Some ex players have said they would do it all again in a heartbeat even knowing the risks. Purely from a human stand point it is gut wrenching to see men like Lewis and others come out on National TV  and explain that they have been given the most devastating diagnosis where in the case of MND there is no cure.

Ex team mates of Lewis, Leon Lloyd and Geordan Murphy set up a Go Fund Me page to help Lewis and his family with costs that will be related to the road ahead for the Moody family. It has been a well-trodden path for the families of people over the past number of years.

The Doddie Weir Foundation was set up by Doddie Weir to help families and also assist in research for a cure to be found after his own diagnosis. Lewis has done much fundraising himself in the years since his retirement and now he is looking for some support himself.

I love the game of rugby but in the past few years in the instance of concussions has really hit home. Watching the game either live or on TV you even wince yourself with some of the heavy contact between bodies.

I personally fear that the game could grind to halt at amateur level over the next number of years because parents will say they don’t want their kids involved in the game. Even though the game is built on strong values and morals, I don’t think that will even save it from extinction.

Only time will tell of course but the reality is that both league and union could be heading down a very slippery slope that those in charge at the highest level might not be willing to face but those in the amateur game may be beginning to see the reality of the changing attitudes towards the game of rugby.

I was knocked sideways when seeing the news yesterday and then to realise that he is only 12 years older than myself really made me sit up and take notice. A team mate of his Ed Slater is also suffering from MND and is a few years ahead of Lewis in his battle. He was also only in his 40s when he got his own bad news.

While I still love the game of rugby union and it has given me some of the best moments of my life following Munster in their quest to conquer Europe which came to pass in 2006 and 2008, I am very aware that some of those guys I watched and idolised are now suffering long term health issues attached to playing the game has given me food for thought.

Those in charge must continue to work with those in the medical profession to try and come up with long term solutions that will work for everyone. That of course won’t be easy but if people at all levels just do what they can, like the simple message of If in doubt, sit it out….

My thoughts are with Lewis Moody, his family and friends as well as his team mates at this time. I am also thinking of all of those who suffer from MND and any other health issues similar to that.

After all rugby is only a game with a short shelf life and there is a long life to live post career in both the amateur game as well as in the professional game…..

I wrote a piece to mark 9 years since Mam passed away back in June. Hard to think it is 9 years since Mam came home from work and within minutes was battling to stay alive. My reason for penning this particular piece is to give a warts and all view from my perspective of that day and the time since.

Next Sunday evening at 6.40pm, I will mark the exact moment that Mam suffered her brain injury that 3 days later took her from her family at the age of 49. In the time since Mam passed away, life has changed. I am out on my own and I am writing and hoping to go back recording soon.

The biggest change for me is that I am fully in control of my life and that is what Mam always wanted. I look at myself and think back to the time 9 years ago and I can see a very different person looking back at me when I look at the mirror.

The events of that evening have had a lasting impact both positive and negative but with professional support as well as the loyal support of many people, I have managed to create a life for myself.

It hasn’t all been plain sailing, I give off the impression that nothing ever affected me when in fact things were on top of me for a large portion of the past few years but thank god that has all began to turn over recent years and I can see the light.

I know I can be an awkward fella but I never set out to be that way, I am trying very hard to change but like with most habits it is hard to change from what is drilled into my head. As I say I am working hard to complete that particular change to my personality.

I want to say to anyone that may have fallen out with friends or family over the past while, If you feel it might be worth fighting for that relationship, do so because life can change in an instant. Take it from someone who bought that t shirt. Fix it now and try to move forward….

I will also apologise to anyone now, if I seem distracted from next Sunday until the following Wednesday. While time has passed and things have gotten easier with the passage of time, certain moments are still very fresh in my mind….

The level of support I continue to receive from people who do it quietly and without fuss won’t ever be forgotten. I can’t thank those people enough for what they have done for me and continue to do. I will continue to live my life the way I see fit and if that doesn’t suit people then tough….

I have always tried to do my best for people and to be there for people if they needed someone. I will continue to be that listening ear if anyone needs someone to listen… For that small group of people who still look out for yours truly, thank you all from the bottom of my heart !!!

To Mam, its 9 years since you left this world but your influence on me continues to this very day…. Look after yourself wherever you are and thank you for everything……

On the 10^th of September, It will be 9 years since Mam passed away. In that time her eldest son found his backbone and moved out and her youngest son got engaged. Sorry Mam marriage isn’t for me….

More and more situations are cropping up where your presence would be handy and useful and I am not just speaking of my eye sight !!  Answers to certain questions where only you can provide the answer. Looking at a head stone and waiting for you to provide a “sign” will not work either.

As the years have gone by, your death and the circumstances have grown easier to deal with, only slightly mind you. I sit here once a year and jot down this piece and wonder how life might be if you were still here.

I have made my peace with what happened and have moved beyond the torment of that first year. Writing and journaling have had a huge impact and helped me process each emotion as they arrived. Counselling was so helpful even though it took me time to come to table in respect of speaking to a professional even though I have done that many times over the past 20 years.

I know my move over 2 years ago now would certainly have provided you with great happiness and contentment.

It has done many things for me also even though I resisted it several times. When we broached the subject in the kitchen and like many things it almost always ended with a shouting match and yours truly digging his heels in and refusing point blank to deal with the elephant in the room for around another 6 months until another delicate approach was made to see could we discuss it.

Alas, under your watch it never materialised but in 2021, I started the process that bared fruit in April 2023. This so called “independence” that so many speak of is very good.

The fact I can come and go as I please still brings a smile to my face and I don’t need to wait for others or check in, even though at 35, checking in should be a thing of the past which now it is and I will not be going back…

I can still hear you when I talk to people, in certain situations. I have had the “kick in the arse” and it still threatened by certain people who I listen to which you’ll be surprised to hear is a very small select group, what a surprise I can hear you saying as I type.

I have manged to look after myself without causing myself an injury or anything extreme like that, that is a win of course. Those people that spoke of you “minding me” too much have quietened and don’t speak out as much.

Those that I look to for support have continued to offer it quietly and privately. They know who they are and they will never truly know or I will never be able to thank them all enough for that help.

As you know, I probably still need to work on certain rough edges but as I sit here and type I know I have made improvements to my life and also my outlook has changed on life and for that above all else I am very thankful and grateful.

It took far too long for me to change that but I have calmed and in my opinion I have become way more in tune with day to day living. So many things that you tried to get me to change have happened in the years since you passed away and although you are not here to see it physically.

You would just be happy to see those changes happen. I know I drove you demented at times because of my refusal to try and see it from your point of view and just step out of my comfort zone. That change is very welcome, in many respects I am still the same but those subtle changes you wanted have happened slowly but surely.

Mam, I thank you for everything you did for me as I know, you had to fight hard to be heard in certain circumstances before I was born and defiantly in the early years of my life… Thank you for fighting and I’ll continue that fight in your memory.

Your selfless act of organ donation still amazes me 9 years on and gave people a second chance at living there lives, but as I know you had no problem fighting for the rights of this author whether it was being placed in main stream school instead of where you had been advised  to put me.

We are certainly similar in that way because I won’t listen to certain people myself in certain circumstances, so thank you for providing the back bone…..

9 years gone but defiantly not forgotten…..  

It is that time of the year again that will see thousands of students face the Junior Cert and Leaving Cert as well as in house exams over the next few weeks. It is a big time for students, teachers and parents and in particular those who will face the Junior Cert for the first time.

I can only truly draw on my own experience as a real example of probably what not to do given I didn’t do a great Leaving Cert but I did do it and sit here 16 years later happy and content, even though I do have small regrets but that is only natural given the passage of time over the past few years.

You’ll have been told that the Leaving Cert in particular is the be all and end all, well that is what I was told anyway but there are many ways to get to where you want to in life and that is not just down the academic route while it is still the best route, it is not the only way…

Of course listen to your teachers and parents as they know you better than I do so enjoy the final days of your time in school because the one thing I can say for certain without contradiction is that once your school days are at an end life will never be the same again.

So as I said enjoy the last few days with your friends and teachers and keep up the studying over the next few weeks as D day is only around the corner for you all.

I have mentioned many times in a few previous pieces written before exam time, teachers aren’t there to steer you on the wrong road, they are there to assist you. I am only really beginning to realise that fact as the years go by…

I know too that we as teenagers thought we knew everything but as life has thought me we certainly don’t know everything contrary to what you might think. Listen to the advice that is being given to you and don’t be too pig headed about accepting help or support.

Life has always been tough and tricky to navigate but given all that is happening worldwide and with the pressure of social media. It can be tough to be a teenager in 2025 but with the right support from friends, family and listening to teacher’s advice life can be made that bit easier.

I’ll finish by saying, do your best in a few weeks time, you’ll get the rewards for the effort you put in. Remember too that while the exams are important, they are not the be all and end all….

To the class of 2025, all the very best

It is that time of the year again when “Darkness Into Light” happens and this year the venue of the local walking route has changed and will now take place in and around Moyvane. I have been on previous walks here in Tarbert and it always attracted a big attendance.

From what I have seen it will attract big numbers again this year to the new route in Moyvane. Of course Pieta does great work in offering support to those who are most in need of it.

Given the current climate throughout the world at this moment, looking at TV, radio and social media wouldn’t fill you with confidence and could make you feel rough on occasion. The one thing the walk will show you is that there is support there for you no matter the situation.

I have been through several rough times over the past 21 years but I am thankfully still here and that is because I opened my mouth and spoke of my own issues and with the right support I have been able to see my way clear.

Until the age of 24, I wouldn’t have burdened anyone with my troubles as I always felt I could solve them on my own but that didn’t work as I look back but I now have ways of dealing with anything that comes my way. I can deal with issues that crop up now in a far healthier way that ever before.

I also know that taking that first step of opening up isn’t easy and you will feel very vulnerable at first but by picking someone you trust to speak with it, It will make that first step much easier.

I had to take that first step myself and chose to write it down and post it on my site before I took the opportunity to speak to family and friends.

Not the most advisable thing to do but do what you feel is the right thing for you. No matter how you do it, trust me when I say taking that first step is the hardest thing to do but so rewarding and will make an immediate impact.

People for the most part will do what they can to assist you and offer support when and where they can. I have been fortunate to find I had support everywhere I turned after posting my open letter in 2014. That network of continued of support has saved me a few times since 2014 in particular.

I have had many counselling sessions over the years and It is one of the many services that Pieta House offers along with a few other options. The walk tomorrow morning is to offer the helping hand to those in most need and show them that even in the darkest of moments there truly is always light….

To all of the participants locally in Moyvane or elsewhere throughout Ireland and the world as this walk is now a global event, all the best and well done for offering that helping hand. To anyone who may be currently suffering in silence, I hope you find the motivation to open up and have that first conversation.

As sure as day follows night, there is always light at the end of a dark tunnel. Mind yourselves….. Enjoy the sunrise tomorrow morning…

As I stare at the age of 35 half way to 40, even writing those numbers, it is beginning to dawn on me that life is moving on. I am where I want to be and writing more frequently, thinking of Fr Pat Moore on the occasion of his 8^th anniversary. He is a big reason I can do my few bits with recording etc. He and John Herilhy of Radio Kerry took a chance on me back in 2014 and I hope that faith has been paid back to both men…

I am looking at the age of 35 and beginning to realise that I am not a young man anymore and life experiences have taught me many things over the past number of years in particular. I am happy in my skin but these two dates of May 1^st and 2^nd have an extra significance ever since Fr Pat passed away.

I never trusted myself in certain situations and always was shocked when other people put real trust in me and gave me opportunities and those chances taken by Fr Pat and John Herlihy have allowed me to write and record with more confidence in the 10 years since that Radio Kerry course.

I also find it amazing that I don’t sweat things as badly as I have previously done maybe again that comes with age and experience or maybe it is purely down to “not giving a fuck” in certain circumstances.

Life has of course changed beyond all recognition for me and the “set of keys” has helped shape me into a better person who is far more open than before and I am better in tune with life and its ups and downs.

I couldn’t wait to turn 18 and now I am heading for 40, and yes it has gone by in that flash that you see people mention on TV or on Radio…. What I had hoped to do as a kid was write about sport and if possible talk about it which has been achieved and if I was to stop today, I would be extremely pleased with my attempt and my lot.

I won’t be stepping back as I enjoy it too much and I hope to begin to record again very soon. Life is good and I just hope I can keep it between the two ditches over the next few years. Thanks to family, friends and anyone else that has helped me keep myself on the straight and narrow to make the age of 35….

The deaths of young jockey Michael O Sullivan and boxer John Cooney both aged in their 20s has rocked the Irish sporting world in recent weeks. Michael O Sullivan will be buried this afternoon. Both men were taken far too early from their families.

The families decided in the aftermath of both men passing away that there organs would be donated to help other people and families in there hour of need. This particular thing rings through for yours truly as we made the same decision as a family when my Mam passed away in 2016.

My Mam’s organs were donated to people whose lives were altered in there hour of need while we as a family tried to make sense of it all. We didn’t hesitate as a family to make the decision to allow the organ donation take place.

We knew Mam took an organ donor card around in her bag but of course we could not find that particular one but after some looking around the house we found multiple signed cards to suggest that in the event of her passing away at some point this is what she wanted to happen.

The events of the past 2 weeks have brought that decision back freshly into my mind and the courage it takes to say yes to organ donation and while you may say yes straight away when asked the question when the pressure isn’t on, It is a whole different ball game when your under stress.

As a family all we wanted was written confirmation from Mam to allow help us make a more informed decision even though when Dad asked us, myself and Fionn didn’t hesitate in agreeing to this request.

The regulations in Ireland have been changed in recent years around organ donation so it is now an opt out situation rather than an opt in one. Of course this can be looked into at the family’s request. It is amazing to think somewhere in Ireland my mother‘s organs are helping someone go about their daily routine.

It truly is a selfless act that is a lastly legacy for someone to leave behind as a parting gift. It allows the precipitant to get life back on track after time recovering from the major operation. I often think of the legacy Mam left behind and smile as we were in a position as a family to help make her wishes come through.

Her selfless act has come to mind in the aftermath of the unfortunate deaths of both John Cooney and Michael O Sullivan as both of their families made the same selfless decision as we did back in 2016. Not an easy decision to make but a very rewarding one that will mean the precipitants of their organs will have the chance to go on living.

My thoughts are with the families of both John Cooney and Michael O Sullivan over the past few weeks. The support of family and friends will help them through the next while. Thinking of all in the Irish racing community today as Michael O Sullivan is laid to rest….