I have been thinking of writing this piece for a few years. Why did I decide to end my life when I reach the age of 30? Don’t ask me to explain why I picked the age of 30 to end my life. This has been an ongoing issue for me. This plan hasn’t been spoken about because I have kept it hidden over the past few years.

I will turn 30 in May of next year, which is a huge achievement is given I was given the last rites in May 1990 shortly after I was born. I have always struggled in silence and even since 2014 I still stay silent on certain topics. I don’t speak about certain stuff and I am wondering over the last few hours why I have this plan still in my mind.

I do feel like I should talk to a professional about this situation and I will take steps to this end in the next few days. I am content at the moment but I still have that voice at the back of my mind telling me to act on my feelings.

I won’t act on them but the issues I face are very real and are not just made up in my head. I am trying extremely hard to move past the events of September 2016 and all that is associated with that.

Talking has helped me hugely in the past few years and also opening up might just be the key to figuring out why this plan has been in my head in the past couple of years. I haven’t told my closest confidents like Orlagh , Marion , Betty etc.

I am looking for advice about this. I am still blocking out my feelings on certain subjects and this might just be affecting me in daily life. I have this mad notion that me ending my life would solve all of my problems and also close that worst few years in the lives of my immediate family. This really isn’t a runner I know but I still have those feelings but I just hope now that I have written it down move past these feelings.

My 30^TH Birthday is this day next week. I was in a very different head space the day I wrote this. The world has been turned upside down over the past few months due to Covid 19. I as I said have thought long and hard about releasing this piece given how over 1,000 families are in mourning for their family members who have lost their lives in the last while. My sympathies to you all.

This is not a pity me piece, it is just a brutally honest account of what it is like to suffer in silence. I always turn to writing at this time. Look I wrote this and was fully aware of what going through with this plan would mean for myself.

Since I penned this I have found some meaning in my life and as I look ahead to my 30^th   I hope that this is my last piece I will put together like this.  Some day’s I will be up for the fight and more day’s that will not happen but those days are becoming very few are far between…

Thank you to everyone that has ever helped me out in anyway, I can’t thank everyone individually as I be hear for all day.  I hope everyone is safe and well and to all our health care workers. Keep up the good work !!

I know I had promised many people if I felt bad I’d be in touch straight away but I haven’t done enough of that But 12 months on I am getting much better at speaking up..

I have defiantly thought long and hard before putting these thoughts down on paper. The world as we know it has changed and when all of this ends one wonders what our “new reality” will be… What our new priorities will be or will we just return to the habits we had pre Corona Virus !!

What the restrictions have done is most likely make people sit back and take note of the World around us, the sounds of birds etc. I am in the category of essential workers and so I have doing a number of small tasks. It has been lovely and unnerving in equal measure to literally be the only one on the street early in the morning.

It certainly makes me think as I move around of what is happening in the world and of all those who are on the front line doing such a sterling job keeping us safe. All of health workers, retail staff and others that are working on a daily basis to keep Ireland going in the middle of this pandemic. We have a large number of health care workers living here in the village and also in the surrounding areas that are working long hours to preserve life. I salute you all…

Also for those people who are struggling, whether that is missing family, colleagues, friends whoever just pick up the phone and make that call or send that text you were threatening to always send… We are apart but technology allows us to be in family’s front rooms and even though it certainly isn’t the same as being there but  Face Time, Whatsapp, Skype and House Party allow people to stay connected…

When this is all said and done when ever that will be, there will be one hell of a party… But for now we just need to heed the current restrictions and look after each other by staying apart !!

Also I will turn 30 just before the current sets of restrictions are lifted on the 5^th of May so I will be marking my 30^th nice and quietly….