I have been thinking of writing about what depression has done to me over the last 17 years. I write this now as I feel bar the odd day and moment I am finally in a position to sit in front of a computer and write what depression did to me and how it impacted on me.
I spent many years hiding my feelings and trying to work my way through things without looking for support and then when I needed support without asking I got the support that I needed in the form of maternal instinct and a phone call.
It was amazing on that evening I remember clearly being asked was I ok and saying I was “grand” and then within a hour of that I was writing letters to groups of friends and family saying “goodbye” to them only for a phone call to interrupt my train of thought and then my Mam’s plan of action saved me so although she didn’t stop me from leaving the house that evening she knew what to do to make sure no harm came to me that evening, amazing what maternal instinct will do….
Spending so many years not feeling like I wasn’t worthy of a place on earth was extremely tough and having to smile for so long was torture when inside I was screaming with anger and frustration on many occasions was very hard on on people around me.
I didn’t deal with the deaths of my grandparents in 2011 and 2014 very well and that contributed massively to the spot I found myself in 2014. I know I always go back to that night in March 2014 because I have never experienced hopelessness like it before or since…
Then fast forward 2 a half years to 2016 and bang the shit hits the fan in a big way and the woman who helped save me in March 2014, passes away suddenly and I am back in the same head space I was in 2011 and 2014.
But from somewhere I found the strength to carry on a look out for others and put my own personal grief to one side. For 4 days I spent my days speaking to others and helping them assess what happened that evening. Since then I have an inner strength I never knew I could have access to and it has helped me kick on and make some key decisions about my life.
I have a better understanding of grief now and over the past 13 months since life as we knew it has ground to a halt due to Covid 19 and ongoing restrictions. This period has been so tough on so many and we are being told constantly to “hold firm”. There are brighter days ahead !!
I am writing about my own battle as I can only truly speak of my own experience and sincerely hope my few words can show those who currently feel like they have nowhere to turn that there is support out there, either through professionals, family or friends…
Having done the Ohana 20 minute course this has also given me a better understanding of the warning sides that impacted myself and some other aspects that never entered my mind.
What I am getting at by writing this is that if people are finding it tough at the moment, here is one major thing that has helped me, I have found writing feelings down was a big help to get the feelings down on paper and out of my head and mind….
I can say that after 17 years of feeling like I owed it to people to constantly prove myself that the time has come to look after myself and stop trying to constantly prove myself !!