Mom, since you passed away I have tried my best to get on with life not get held back by the fact you are not here anymore but the more I am told “It’s What Your Mam Would have Wanted “ the more I have wanted to just have the ground swallow me up.
Even after three months of counselling there are still days and moments where all you want to do is scream and wake up from the nightmare that has been the last 8 months but you then realise that these feelings are normal and you begin to relax and see more clearly.
I am sure people are sick and tired of hearing my Mam’s name and I have done my best not to bring her name into conversations. I can actually feel myself taking on some of her traits and I am far more up front and honest with people which has been quite refreshing at times.
Since last September I have changed as a person and I am far more in control than I ever have been which has been a huge help and I am really starting to be far more assertive with people. It still hurts me every day and people say it will get easier with time and that once the first anniversary rolls around you can move on and draw a line in the sand. That is a load of rubbish….
Given the relationship I had with Mam I have found it easy on certain days and then very testing on other days. I have spent days walking around like a broken man and then more days I am on top of the world but I suppose that is just way life is. Yes I realise Mam would not want me moping she would want me to go out and enjoy life. I am for the first time in 27 years happy enough with my life. I will hopefully in time find things much easier and the impact of what happened will lessen as the years go by…
I personally have received so much help and support and I will never be able to thank people for all the kindness shown to me. I have so many people who genuinely care about me. That fact was lost on me for so many years It is only in the past few months that I have woken up to all the support and love.
I thank each and every one from the bottom of my heart for the continued support and also a special thank you to all of those people who have let me hop in with them over the years aswell. I won’t name them because I would take up so many pages I’d be here for the night…. Thank You All
Cian Mc Gibney