Grief and Me
Spurred on by an article I read last night on grief, I will try and explain how grief has affected me in the last few years. I have to admit first off the worst instance of grief hit me was in the days following my grandfather’s death in 2014, I never experienced anything like the feelings I had following his death.
Losing my grandfather affected me to such an extent I almost ended my life around a month after he passed away. People are great in moments when you need them but pre 2014, I would never have opened my mouth about things that bothered me, a shock for those who know me but yes Cian Mc Gibney was stuck for words. Sadly 2014 wasn’t to be the last time I’d be stuck for words.
Anger, frustration and the feeling of being constantly tormented were just some of the feelings I felt, and the little voice in the back of my head telling me I could have done more although I was there every step of the way through his battle with Alzheimer’s. I did all I could but it took a few years for me to realise that particular fact.
For people who haven’t experienced any significant loss in life and for those who have I know what you are going through, to those who haven’t lost somebody treasure those moments with the one’s you love because as I can testify it can all change so suddenly and you may not get the chance to say what you need to say. What I am trying to say is grief has affected me more than I will ever let on, the veil of fun and humour has returned but I know now how to control how I use the veil.
2 years on and I still find myself wondering what the hell happened that evening in September 2016 and what can I do to move beyond it which I am doing in a very measured way. I know I seem to be very distant and cold at times when things are tough but that is just the way I approach those situations. I need time to think and evaluate what occurred and that why I may seem distant and cold on occasion.
Humour has been a saving grace for me a few times but for those people who I snapped at or who I may have given the cold shoulder to in the months following Mam’s death , I sincerely apologise. I am not like that usually but in those tough moments I need my own head space and then slowly I will come around and begin a healing process. I am still in the middle of the sea of grief at this moment in time and will be for another while yet.
Grief doesn’t move on after the 1st year even though, some people say in that uniquely Irish way of putting things is that “time is a great healer” etc… Yes this is true but it doesn’t mean that on the stroke of the end of the 1st year that the bag will come out and you can suddenly box off your feelings.
I have had to face up to the daily routine of on occasion re living those fatal final moments and yes in time they have begun to fade away and lessen but they will never fully leave me. And that in essence is grief, it will begin to fade but never fully leave your mind.
I do treasure the good days but I also beat myself up about the days that weren’t as good as they could have been but that is the way life works , if it was all a bed of roses it would be fairly boring. I have changed as a person in the last two years, it might not seem like to most people but I have changed beyond all recognition and for the better I hope.
Stress, anger and frustration now comes and goes very quickly because I am able to spot those subtle changes in mood and combat the feelings that may begin to surface. I am a stronger person for the losses I have had to bear in the last couple of years.
I genuinely though after Mam died, I’d end up in a heap and struggling to manage even the smallest task but from somewhere deep inside I found the strength to kick on and move on with life. Life is very different now but again life doesn’t stand still for anyone and everyone will face the tough days but it really is how you bounce back and recover that will define you in life………