While Mam’s anniversary won’t fall until next September when we will mark 10 years since she passed away, there will be a significant milestone before then when her “small boy” gets hitched in May and that has prompted me to sit down and pen this particular piece.
This will be one of those moments and day’s when you will feel the missing presence more than other times. Since that moment on September 7th 2016 and then the decision 3 days later to switch off her life support machine. We have all changed since that day.
Of course her selfless decision to donate her organs has a lasting impact and to know that someone somewhere in the country has an organ belonging to her is still something truly special. I myself have changed beyond all recognition and while some might say I am still that moaning old bollix that I was at 26 and before hasn’t met me and with that hasn’t spoken to me.
Yes, from time to time that version of me does appear but he gets less and less airtime than ever before. I had to do a lot of growing up and straightening myself out to act like a fully grown functioning adult. I had to kick into gear in an awful lot of areas and has been pointed out to me I was “minded” too much “mollycoddled” is the word that actually used.
10 years on, I can only truly speak on my own behalf here and I am where I should have been in the years before Mam died but a mix of stubbornness and laziness probably stalled any hope of that move or attempt at looking at options to move from home.
I know that on a few occasions when the topic was broached I was shut it down or it ended in a row and then was put to bed until the next attempt was made and the same cycle repeated itself again.
It really did take Mam dying for me to kick into gear and I am ashamed of myself that it actually took that to happen for me to act like an adult and look to make a go at creating some sort of life for myself.
Thank god the chance came to my door back in 2023 and since then I have been able to start to create some sort of life for myself and live independent of Mammy and Daddy as I was told on more than one occasion by certain people who strangely enough didn’t offer one word after I made the break in April 2023.
Strange that to be fair, but look I made the move and that is the key part of the whole thing. In the 10 years since Mam died I have changed my outlook, started to look after my health which would also please Mother.
For those of you that have lost a parent, you have my sympathy and it doesn’t matter at what age it happens or how it happens it still has a massive impact on those left behind. I still make stupid statements and do things on impulse but I have been able to think on my feet more than before.
Mother is looking after me at times as well as I can hear her speaking to me as I answer certain questions or while I am doing certain things. I am thankful for that feeling as I can feel her presence when I am doing certain things.
It would help if she was actually here to give actual advice rather than looking for a sign or thinking what might say in this situation or that situation. Other people have been great at offering advice when I have sought it on certain things which I am grateful for.
I gained a number of “Mammies” when she passed away because I am sure people thought I wouldn’t or couldn’t cope. Thankfully I have managed better that I probably thought myself but that comes from experience and just doing things and a trial and error approach.
As I say, we will mark 10 years in September in some way I am sure. Hard to believe or even think it’s 10 years but it is and while much has stayed the same plenty has changed and you’d be proud of the pair of us, the “small boy” is getting married and your eldest is doing what you always hoped and wanted and living life as best he can…..