I put another video together last week and it amazes me that any personal piece I write or record resonates more than any sports piece I have written or recorded over the duration of my website. I try my best to write from the heart and use my own personal experience to help people.
You do sit down to write and often think, will people read this and am I only kidding myself but then you get the private word from a few people and that tells me that what I write is having some impact. If it only assists one person then that will be enough for me.
I will only draw on my own experience as I know that in detail and won’t ever speak of anyone else. People might well look and say “oh christ Cian is off on another solo run” but that is farthest from the reality. I know people suffer on a daily basis and most suffer in silence with nowhere to turn or no avenue to try and speak up.
As I said in that video last week without making it a life mission, I will my best to keep highlighting this until it becomes normal to speak of it as it is to chat about sport, news or something else.
If you have never suffered with your emotions or as I said in the video been at the point of no return then I am glad that has never happened because it is one lonely place to be.
The moment you feel you’re doing your final moments has a weird calming effect. Having been there on more than one occasion I can defiantly say it does have a strange calming effect. It is not a weakness to ask for help. I didn’t ask for any help until I was 24 and that didn’t help me but once I accepted help all those issues while they didn’t fully heal began to get smaller than the large issues I felt they were in my own head.
Those battles were never personal, not once were those battles caused by other people. They were always battles with my own mind and that feeling of helplessness and worthlessness. Feeling low and not being worthy of a place on this planet. It is a very lonely spot to be in and even though I did everything not to allow those feelings take me over, they almost did on more than one occasion.
I found my reason to fight on thanks to those well publicised interventions that I spoke of. I owe those people my life and I thank them all silently on a daily basis. Two of those 3 people are no longer here but they keep me on the straight and narrow by just thinking of them.
You do think, by ending your life you’ll instantly solve your own issues and won’t leave any mess behind but by going through with your threats you will only leave an even bigger mess behind you.
As I was told a few times my death would have caused more issues than it would have solved. So to anyone that is having any issues, find a person you trust and try and have that first conversation, It will be worth it I promise you.
I will always speak openly and honestly about my past but will always keep certain things private for the sake of peace of mind. In the past 2 years, I have kicked on with life, writing, recording and I also lost a small bit of weight around the waistline so things are on the up and I will continue on that upward curve.
Life has thought me at this stage there is no challenge I can’t overcome and trust me when I was at my lowest point I never thought I would ever say such a thing or make a statement that included the words, “ I am good enough to be here and worthy of my place”
Always remember, you are good enough no matter who you are and to put simply if a little bit crudely to those who might want to get you down or put you down, “fuck them”…
I‘ll end it there before I get myself into trouble…..